The mainstream cultural narrative is that beyond our mid-40s we fade into sexual insignificance.
But sexually liberated and curious midlife women are increasingly making themselves seen and heard. At luxury women-led sex parties such as Killing Kittens, they make up the fastest-growing membership sector. Products such as Victory Oil by Naydaya are making intimate midlife care luxurious rather than shameful (while still gynaecologist-approved). And experts from across the world of wellbeing agree that a sexual pleasure practice is great for intimate health as we age.
Discovering yourself
We can’t ignore the statistics, that one third of women between their early 40s and mid 60s have lowered libido and distress with this. But there are more treatment options than ever before. And for some women, libido surges. They may consider themselves to have become sexually ‘unlocked’ for the first time at this age (the term former ELLE magazine fashion editor Stacey Duguid coins in her memoir, In Pursuit Of Happiness; see also Miranda July’s smash-hit book All Fours, and Marianne Power’s Love Me!: One Woman’s Search For A Different Happy Ever After).
“Along with changing hormones, life events such as divorce and bereavement can play a part.”
There is even a nickname for the former, ‘Widow’s Fire’. As a sex coach I frequently work with women who tell me they feel they are only just discovering themselves beyond age 40.
Sex parties, kink, polyamory, bi-curiosity, exhibitionism, even interest in booking male sex workers… nothing surprises me now from midlife women. The sense of possibility can feel like a second puberty, but with a couple of decades of life experience to back it up.
Are you recognising yourself but you don’t know where to begin? Here are my recommendations:
- Explore!
Read inspiring or educational books (Gillian Anderson’s Want collection of fantasies; educator Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are – The Surprising New Science Of Sex And Pleasure); watch documentaries (Netflix’s The Principles Of Pleasure); listen to audio erotica and see what turns you on (try the Quinn app); check out made-for-women-by-women adult films such as those by Erika Lust or FrolicMe. - Enter sex-positive spaces and meet like-minded people
This doesn’t have to mean going to a sex party (although Killing Kittens and Skirt Club are great options). Events such as The Sex Lectures, striptease or burlesque classes, beginners tantra workshops and more can help you feel comfortable feeling into your sexual energy around other people, with no dating required. - Stop considering sex as something that only exists when you are in a relationship or with your partner
You are your own best lover – you know what feels good in your body and what stimulates your mind. Masturbation is incredibly healthy – it basically does not have any downsides! - Be mindful of STIs
Pregnancy may no longer be a concern (although if you still have a menstrual cycle you still need to take precautions), but sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are still out there, just as in your teens. Use barrier methods such as condoms in penetrative intercourse, have sexual health check-ups and ask partners to do the same. Most STIs can be tested for via post these days. - Use common sense when it comes to dating and hook-ups
Make sure a friend knows where you are, mind your alcohol consumption and trust your instincts. If you are looking to explore kink/domination and submission, do not go to meet someone who proclaims themselves to be a ‘dominant’ without establishing their experience, and always meet for a daytime cuppa first. - Consider a coach
If you feel you have no-one to talk to about sex, consider booking a session with a coach such as myself. A coach will help you understand where you are in your sexual life, free yourself of shame, understand what you want to explore going forward, and how to make that happen safely. You can ask them anything you want! But if you have trauma in your past which you feel is stopping you moving forward, then seeing a therapist first is an investment your future self will thank you for (therapists help you look back and heal; coaches help you look forward).
Getting your partner on board
But what if you’re in a relationship with a male partner who is more interested in the sofa and TV remote, than exploring new sexual horizons? Many men misunderstand natural changes in arousal as they age (instead of spontaneously thinking of sex several times a day, then need to put conscious thought into it), and combined with a penis that doesn’t behave quite as it used to, assume their sex lives are over. Gift him a copy of Michael Castelman’s book for men, Sizzing Sex For Life. Make clear your motive is shared pleasure and suggest a new start together.
Remaining sexually lit up will improve your life for your remaining decades, physically, mentally and emotionally. It will also have an impact on those around you. As a 75-year-old client of mine said of her recent journey into sexual pleasure: “Sex is not just for the young, for the couples, for the enabled. It is for us all. My solo, ‘old lady’ sex has improved so much. The joy and love and vitality that good satisfying sex brings into my life reaches out to touch each person I meet and engage with.”
