It’s the furthest thing from your mind as you spin your dozen life plates. And yet, sadness over the loss of it is always with you.
It’s there in the look in your husband’s eyes as you switch the bedside light out and turn away from him. In the dusty bottle of sensual body oil you found at the back of the bathroom drawer which gave you a feeling of grief. In the worry that your teenagers seldom see you touch each other lovingly, and that you’re repeating the pattern from your own parents that you always swore you’d break. In the constant low-level worry of, “Is it all over for me?”.
If I’ve just described you, please know you’re not alone. One third of women in midlife experience both disappearing libido and distress about this (more experience the former but aren’t worried about it). And no, this doesn’t have to be it for you. I’m a sex coach who’s helped hundreds of midlife women recover their libido and go on to have their best-ever sex.
“I’ve had female clients in their 60s, some in their 70s and one in their 80s, all exploring how sex can be more pleasurable for them.”
Five steps towards a renewed sexual you
- Upgrade your beliefs
When we believe the mainstream cultural narrative that we’re ‘past it’ once we get to midlife, we won’t take the actions we need to, to prove that narrative wrong. Our actions follow our beliefs, so look for positive articles (like this one!), role models (such as Gillian Anderson, 56, who collated over 170 women’s sexual fantasies for her book, Want) and communities. In the largest study yet of happy long term couples still having great sex, participants said sex actually got better thanks to the challenges of growing older. - Understand your body and mind
Our bodies and minds change as we go through perimenopause and menopause. We have woeful little education around this, and neither do most of our medical providers. The changes are far less intimidating when we understand them and what we can do about them, so make the most of resources such as RockMy to learn all you can. Simply understanding how arousal naturally changes, for example, empowers us. Have you head of ‘responsive desire’ versus ‘spontaneous desire’? The latter is how media and culture tell us desire should arise – out of nowhere, or very quickly, without much effort. But the former, responsive desire, is how it works for the vast majority of women – especially in midlife and a long-term relationship. You need to be in a sexual scenario that feels appealing and positive, in order to start feeling desire. If you never think about sex, but when you do have it you say, “That was great, we should do that more often!”, you have responsive desire. Once you understand this, you can take steps to create those scenarios, knowing that feeling turned-on will happen as a result. - Seek help for physical discomfort
When it comes to your body, seek all the help you can get with physical changes that are making you unhappy or causing pain. See your GP or medical provider as a first step, especially if you have dryness and pain in your vulva or vagina. There are more options, both hormonal and non-hormonal, than ever before. Word of warning: the menopause industry is booming, and prices are often disproportionally high. I recently saw an anti-hair-loss shampoo with caffeine, branded for menopausal women, on the shelf next to a traditional caffeine shampoo for men. The women’s one was more than double the price, but the caffeine content was identical. Try not to fall for slick marketing, and always check the credentials of products you are considering trying. - Look forward and open your mind
Perimenopause is often referred to as a ‘second puberty’ and I love this analogy. You are rewiring, and sexually there is a new future in front of you. Who you are attracted to, how you get turned-on, what feels good… all of this is in flux. Try to gently let go of the sexual you of the past, whether she had a great time or the opposite. I have women coming to work with me wanting to explore new attractions, interests and fantasies they say they either never had, or, didn’t have the courage to explore before. Look for inspiration from audio erotica, books, podcasts and more. Let your imagination roam freely and try not to censor or judge the results. - Confide in your partner
If you have a partner, tell them about the struggles you are having. If they are male, you could direct them to one of the new books written to help men understand what you are experiencing. If your partner is in midlife too, encourage them to open up about the changes they are experiencing. It’s time for a re-set for you both. Even if your sex life together feels like it has totally died, you can start afresh again, if you are both prepared to be curious and open-minded.
The bigger picture
The above tips should sit on a foundation of wellness; reducing your stress levels as much as you can, moving, feeding your body well, and maximising your chances of good restful sleep. Libido doesn’t exist in a separate box to the rest of your life. If you are stressed, depleted of energy, feeling you have no time to yourself and little fun in life, your libido will be in hiding.
Ultimately, keep in mind this is a phase of life that does not last forever. It’s natural for desire to ebb and flow through our lives; if this stage is an ebb for you, don’t lose faith that it can flow again in the future. My inspiring older clients often they tell me they believed in their 40s or 50s that their sex lives were over but now they are experiencing the best sex of their lives.
